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Covid Crisis
I asked some friends what I should write about during this time- my crazy kids, how Covid-19 is affecting my mental health as a Nurse Practitioner, easy meal ideas… and the consensus was ALL OF IT.
Where do I begin with ALL of it? My day to day life hasn’t changed much yet due to the coronavirus- I am still going to work and my kids daycare is still open. But my mental health has drastically changed in the course of 2 weeks. About 2 months ago I started to go to counseling, which is a post for another day- but one week we were talking about how I talk to myself negatively and how to combat that, to 7 days later me admitting I didn’t work on myself at all- because I was so consumed and inundated with information about this virus that has infected almost 20,000 (confirmed) people in the U.S. in one month. The focus of my thoughts over the last week an half have shifted drastically. Everyday, there is new information, new guidelines, new policies… everyone on facebook has an opinion about it. I could NOT stop consuming all the information. I read all the comments on every post and even spiraled down the conspiracy theory hole. On the Monday Indiana announced they were closing all dine-in restaurants and basically every social gathering place- I lost it. Chest pain, hyperventilating, worry. I cannot control this.
I am not on the front lines like my sister who is an ICU nurse. I don’t work in the hospital anymore. I work in long-term care- the very population that has been deemed the most at risk population. In the course of a week, we went from living normal life, to locking down the nursing home and not allowing the resident’s family in and making emergency disaster preparedness plans. As the NP, I am not directly involved in the operations of the facility – they have policies and procedures and CDC guidelines they’re following- but everyone wants to know my opinion, what the other facilities are doing, and of course the medical questions that I can answer, and those I can’t. All while continuing business as usual seeing my usual patients and covering their needs and working around other healthcare providers who are equally on edge.
And then, there is the guilt that sets in. I am NOT one of the busier providers in our company. My sister as a nurse educator is scrambling to be able to provide some sort of clinical simulations to her students so they can graduate and enter the workforce when we need them the most. I am not in charge of a nursing home. My kids don’t have to do Elearning since they aren’t in school yet. . I still have a job through all this- I should NOT be this stressed. Que my therapist. It’s called pre-traumatic stress. We see what has happened in Italy and China and us healthcare workers are preparing for the worst knowing full well we don’t have enough supplies and healthcare workers will get sick too.
For me, working in the hospital it was easy to go home at the end of the day and turning off “work mode” because my patients were strangers. As a LTC NP, I see the same patients week after week and I have personal attachment to some of them. Knowing they are the most vulnerable to this virus, should it ravage through the facility, I am already tallying up in my mind who may die. I am already mentally preparing to say goodbye to some. And even though it’s illogical- as their NP I will feel like I failed to save them.
The following link describes the stress medical providers are experiencing prior to the event of the spread in their community. https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2020/03/18/doctors-nurses-are-already-feeling-psychic-shock-treating-coronavirus/
But life is going on- even if it is strangely different than this time last week. I am making contingency plans should daycare close. I saw my parents yesterday and gave them hugs and teared up a bit, because for their health, I need to distance myself from them and it may be a few weeks before I see them. My sister worked at the hospital last night and we are not making playdate plans as we usually try to do over the weekend- She was exposed to COVID and I am not taking it to my patients.
My kids are too little to understand what is going on, except that mom is being crazy about handwashing. Blake has been really into playing Mario games, but he is so into them he has started to pee his pants because he doesn’t want to get up to use the toilet. We have entered into the phase of his life where the world is ending when we well him he cannot play the Nintendo. Last night after I thought he was in bed and I was video-chatting a girlfriend, he came downstairs crying because he heard Andy playing Zelda and he was afraid- he is afraid of the bad guys in Zelda, and wanted dad to turn it off… I cannot wait for warmer weather and getting out of the house
Brylie, aside from biting her friends almost weekly, has been much better sleeping and giving mom a break. She currently thinks she is a puppy and I have to address her as puppy and sing puppy songs to her and pet her to get her to settle for bed. In the thick of things, I will gladly oblige her if it means not fighting at bedtime and listening to her cry and kick and scream. We do need to work on positive body image though, as she currently is quoting Forky from Toy Story 4 by saying ” My body is Trash!” It’s lovely. Nothing like your 3 year old girlchild yelling “My body is Trash” in the middle of busy Target… Mom of the year.
I realized, after my panic attack last Monday, that I only really calmed down after I picked up my kids and was distracted by them and their needs and shenanigans. As much as they stress me out too somedays, it is a nice reminder that there is still normalcy somewhere and they definitely provide comic relief.
Brylie coloring some pictures to take to my residents This is likely to get worse before it gets better, and it is only a matter of time before it enters the nursing homes I go to. In the meantime, I have been working on my own mental health- turning off my phone after my call hours are done. Limiting my time on Facebook. Reading a book. Playing with my kids. I may try my hand at sewing some facemasks. I would encourage everyone to do the same- focus on things you can control and take this time for self care and reflection if you are stuck at home. Oh and pray for those of us who still have to work and protect your loved ones.
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open letter to my big kid
Blake,
You turn FIVE next week and your momma is being super sentimental about it. You are my baby. How is it that you are FIVE already. You start T-Ball in a few short weeks and Kindergarten in a few short months. This is the beginning of your life as you will remember it and the beginning of your independence. Once you start school you will have friends who I don’t know, experiences I won’t be part of, and big kid feelings such as hurt and let down and jealousy. These will be the things that will begin to shape your life and change you into the adult you will one day become. But I would like to remember you as my baby…
When you are grown, you won’t remember all the tiny details that are forever ingrained in my heart. That day you were born, I wanted to punch your dad right in his face. I was expelling a BABY from my BODY and he was more worried about missing his pharmacy clinical that day, to which he faithfully then attended the next day and left me alone in the hospital with this new creature I just met. My sisters and your cousins came to meet you and helped me navigate this new thing of motherhood. But oh, you were so difficult. You wouldn’t nurse well and cried of hunger all the time so I pumped breast milk for you until I realized you inherited more from your dad than just his blonde hair- you had his tongue tie. After that it was easier but you still cried and projectile vomited on me daily. There were so many blurs of nights and days with you that we cried together. When you were 4 months old I gave up nursing you and put you on Lactose-free formula and you were so much better. I started to like you then!
You met every milestone on time and blessed us with this goofy laugh that you still have. You very rarely were still (and still aren’t). You used to do this thing where you’d rock your head when you were tired, rubbing your head on the sheets. You would do it so hard you’d slam your head repeatedly on the crib rails and it didn’t bother you. The first time I witnessed it, I thought you were seizing. You were constantly in motion until the second you fell asleep. And then one day, when you were around three, you stopped doing it altogether. And I miss it.
You got into everything. You organized beer bottles in the fridge, played in the dog food, climbed the pantry shelves, put toys in the toilet, painted yourself at daycare and could I even forget the time you ESCAPED from daycare?! You my dear are the reason the fledgling daycare put systems in place to make sure every kid is accounted for. How many 18-month olds sneak from their classroom and use the handicapped door buttons to let themselves into the parking lot to play?! You broke your arm just before your sister was born falling off a 2 foot slide- who does that?! You have done so many other crazy things and THAT is how you broke your arm?
You entertained us singing right along to Baby Einstein videos, and you still love singing in the car, as long as no one is recording you! You are outgoing and smart, but put you on a stage and you are shy. You cried when we tried to sing you happy birthday and on stage at your preschool Christmas program.
I have a gap in photos of you because you went through a phase of hating your picture taken. But I snuck some in here and there. Somewhere in there, you have grown into a big kid from a toddler boy. Though you’ll one day kill me for this story- when you were three and finally potty trained, I caught you in the bathroom peeing on your own face. You explained later you wanted to watch the pee come out. It’s a good thing your momma is a nurse and didn’t flinch at the clean up. You have always kept me on my toes. Especially when we moved into the new house. You would hide in cabinets and nooks during the build. After we moved in, you colored every surface you could find with a marker while I put your sister to bed and I am pretty sure I cried when I saw all my new, white surfaces ‘tagged’ by you.
I am scared, as every parent is, of who you will grow up to be. I think I am doing a good job now- but you are growing up to have your own ideas and opinions. Your dad and I have worked incredibly hard so that we can enjoy the good things in life, but I hope in doing so we haven’t created spoiled, ungrateful brats. So far, you are polite and kind and I hope that is a quality you never lose. I hope you are always outgoing and the world doesn’t crush you. I hope that you keep a little bit of that shyness to keep you humble. I hope you always need me. I pray you find someone that will love you as unconditionally as I always will and you treat them with that kindness that is in your heart now.
You will always be my Baby Blake and though these years have been a blur, they have been some of the most fulfilling of my life. You’re lucky we gave you a sister, because you my dear, have been a handful!
Happy 5th Birthday my sweet boy,
Mom
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Lies I tell my kids…
I decided to write a blog to highlight what little terrors my children (and probably yours too) can be. Well the blog is up and running… so of course, my kids have been very well behaved and have given me ZERO inspiration for a blog post. Figures right?! It is only a matter of time before they decide to test me … In the meantime …
Last weekend, I made cinnamon rolls. No, not the homemade kind that you have to add yeast to and allow to rise. We’re talking about the ones in the can, that scare the crap out of you when they pop open. The ones with the icing that is all rolled up with them and is never enough for your sugar rush needs. I am attempting to eat healthier, but this can of gooey goodness happened to be in the back of my fridge for about 2 months and I figured I better use it up rather than let it go to waste, right? If I am going to break my diet, it better be for a good cause. When they were done, Blake asked me if HE could have the middle one. I am not breaking my diet just to have the rolls with the crispy outer layer. Momma wants the good stuff. “No Blake, the middle one isn’t the best. YOU want one of the other ones.” He happily accepted and took what was given him. This exchange inspired me to come up with the following list: Lies I tell my kids. #noshame. Lying implies that there is a negative connotation here, but let’s be honest, sometimes lying to our children is in everyone’s best interest.
- The middle cinnamon roll is the worst
- There is no more candy
- Your teeth will fall out if you eat all that candy
- It’s too cold out
- It’s too hot out
- Disney World burned down
- Santa won’t come ever again if you don’t sleep
- I will come back and check on you in 10 minutes
- It tastes exactly like chicken nuggets
- If you keep touching it, it will fall off
- The Zoo is closing soon
- Mommy forgot her wallet
- That will give you eczema
- The splash pad is closed
- Of course Mom and Dad only had sex (insert # of kids) times (shoutout sisters for this one)
- We don’t use that language in this house
- Mommy can’t put you to bed tonight, she has to go to work. (I lie to my toddler so my husband can successfully put her to bed without me. I even drive around the block and everyone waves bye to me. Shameful, I know)
- If you turn that light on , the cops will pull Mommy over
- Jesus told me that (bad behavior) made him sad
- The elf was too sick to go back to the North Pole last night.
- This is spicy, you won’t like it.
- The cat ran away….
- The cat went to live with another family
- This has caffeine in it you won’t like it.
- The hot tub is broken
- Daddy loves his job.
- I have no idea what happened to your Cadbury egg.
- The dog ate it.
These are merely snippets of the lies I have told my kids. My kids are 2 and 4, so I am looking forward to a whole lifetime of little nuggets to sprinkle in their trusting lives. One day, they won’t be quite as gullible and my fun will be over and I will have to share my *spicy* Skittles.
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Intro
In high school, I had this one teacher for multiple classes throughout my 4 year career. With her senior class, she would try to guess what our future career choices would be or what we would major in at college. For most people, she was fairly right. When she got to me, knowing my love of books and my essay work in her English classes, she pegged me as a an English/Lit major, potentially doing something in journalism or even a teacher myself. What she failed to notice was that I also took science classes. Of course, science classes were needed for me to obtain an Academic Honors Diploma, I could have chosen the easy route and taken FOOD science. Instead I chose to take the harder Anatomy and Physiology classes. After high school, with my RN sister’s direction, I started the nursing program at my local college and continued to live with my parents. I graduated with my Associate degree in nursing and was an RN at 20 years old..
Later that year, I also married my husband, and he returned to college himself to pursue a degree as a Pharmacist. I found myself the breadwinner of our little family that included our cat and dog and was so until he graduated with his PharmD 5 years later, the same year our son was born. In that timeframe, I also returned to grad school to obtain my Master’s degree in nursing. When I finished my degree, I then had a two year old and was 20 weeks pregnant with our daughter.
I am now 30 years old, having now been a Nurse Practitioner for about 3 years, mother of an almost 5 year old and 2 year old. I tell you that timeline for one reason: I spent my twenties working hard to build a life for my family. My husband describes me as “pragmatic”. I went to nursing school because it had a better investment than doing something more “romantic”. And while yes, I am sure I read and did creative things in my twenties, I am struggling at this moment in time to come up what those things were. As a kid I journaled, wrote stories, and wanted to be an author. I never could come up with anything that was good enough, or that I knew enough about to weave it into a story.
They say to write what you know. Maybe it has just taken me this long to figure out what I know and what message I want to share with the world. If you have followed me for any length of time on my personal Facebook, you can see me attempting to balance my professional, family, and social life and well as being vocal about my own struggles with depression and anxiety. People told me to start a blog because they loved seeing my crazy blonde kids and the antics they get into. They appreciate the approach I take to it and share the REALITY that is parenting and being a working mom. I want this blog to be about that. But I also want it to be about more than that… I want women- be they a stay at home mom, working mom, single mom, aren’t a mom… to be inspired to share the reality of their lives, and not just the highlight reel. I want us to embrace and accept our unique lives but also to know that there is community in sharing similar experiences.