I asked some friends what I should write about during this time- my crazy kids, how Covid-19 is affecting my mental health as a Nurse Practitioner, easy meal ideas… and the consensus was ALL OF IT.

Where do I begin with ALL of it? My day to day life hasn’t changed much yet due to the coronavirus- I am still going to work and my kids daycare is still open. But my mental health has drastically changed in the course of 2 weeks. About 2 months ago I started to go to counseling, which is a post for another day- but one week we were talking about how I talk to myself negatively and how to combat that, to 7 days later me admitting I didn’t work on myself at all- because I was so consumed and inundated with information about this virus that has infected almost 20,000 (confirmed) people in the U.S. in one month. The focus of my thoughts over the last week an half have shifted drastically. Everyday, there is new information, new guidelines, new policies… everyone on facebook has an opinion about it. I could NOT stop consuming all the information. I read all the comments on every post and even spiraled down the conspiracy theory hole. On the Monday Indiana announced they were closing all dine-in restaurants and basically every social gathering place- I lost it. Chest pain, hyperventilating, worry. I cannot control this.

I am not on the front lines like my sister who is an ICU nurse. I don’t work in the hospital anymore. I work in long-term care- the very population that has been deemed the most at risk population. In the course of a week, we went from living normal life, to locking down the nursing home and not allowing the resident’s family in and making emergency disaster preparedness plans. As the NP, I am not directly involved in the operations of the facility – they have policies and procedures and CDC guidelines they’re following- but everyone wants to know my opinion, what the other facilities are doing, and of course the medical questions that I can answer, and those I can’t. All while continuing business as usual seeing my usual patients and covering their needs and working around other healthcare providers who are equally on edge.

And then, there is the guilt that sets in. I am NOT one of the busier providers in our company. My sister as a nurse educator is scrambling to be able to provide some sort of clinical simulations to her students so they can graduate and enter the workforce when we need them the most. I am not in charge of a nursing home. My kids don’t have to do Elearning since they aren’t in school yet. . I still have a job through all this- I should NOT be this stressed. Que my therapist. It’s called pre-traumatic stress. We see what has happened in Italy and China and us healthcare workers are preparing for the worst knowing full well we don’t have enough supplies and healthcare workers will get sick too.

For me, working in the hospital it was easy to go home at the end of the day and turning off “work mode” because my patients were strangers. As a LTC NP, I see the same patients week after week and I have personal attachment to some of them. Knowing they are the most vulnerable to this virus, should it ravage through the facility, I am already tallying up in my mind who may die. I am already mentally preparing to say goodbye to some. And even though it’s illogical- as their NP I will feel like I failed to save them.

The following link describes the stress medical providers are experiencing prior to the event of the spread in their community. https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2020/03/18/doctors-nurses-are-already-feeling-psychic-shock-treating-coronavirus/

But life is going on- even if it is strangely different than this time last week. I am making contingency plans should daycare close. I saw my parents yesterday and gave them hugs and teared up a bit, because for their health, I need to distance myself from them and it may be a few weeks before I see them. My sister worked at the hospital last night and we are not making playdate plans as we usually try to do over the weekend- She was exposed to COVID and I am not taking it to my patients.

My kids are too little to understand what is going on, except that mom is being crazy about handwashing. Blake has been really into playing Mario games, but he is so into them he has started to pee his pants because he doesn’t want to get up to use the toilet. We have entered into the phase of his life where the world is ending when we well him he cannot play the Nintendo. Last night after I thought he was in bed and I was video-chatting a girlfriend, he came downstairs crying because he heard Andy playing Zelda and he was afraid- he is afraid of the bad guys in Zelda, and wanted dad to turn it off… I cannot wait for warmer weather and getting out of the house

Brylie, aside from biting her friends almost weekly, has been much better sleeping and giving mom a break. She currently thinks she is a puppy and I have to address her as puppy and sing puppy songs to her and pet her to get her to settle for bed. In the thick of things, I will gladly oblige her if it means not fighting at bedtime and listening to her cry and kick and scream. We do need to work on positive body image though, as she currently is quoting Forky from Toy Story 4 by saying ” My body is Trash!” It’s lovely. Nothing like your 3 year old girlchild yelling “My body is Trash” in the middle of busy Target… Mom of the year.

I realized, after my panic attack last Monday, that I only really calmed down after I picked up my kids and was distracted by them and their needs and shenanigans. As much as they stress me out too somedays, it is a nice reminder that there is still normalcy somewhere and they definitely provide comic relief.

This is likely to get worse before it gets better, and it is only a matter of time before it enters the nursing homes I go to. In the meantime, I have been working on my own mental health- turning off my phone after my call hours are done. Limiting my time on Facebook. Reading a book. Playing with my kids. I may try my hand at sewing some facemasks. I would encourage everyone to do the same- focus on things you can control and take this time for self care and reflection if you are stuck at home. Oh and pray for those of us who still have to work and protect your loved ones.