open letter to my big kid

Blake,

You turn FIVE next week and your momma is being super sentimental about it. You are my baby. How is it that you are FIVE already. You start T-Ball in a few short weeks and Kindergarten in a few short months. This is the beginning of your life as you will remember it and the beginning of your independence. Once you start school you will have friends who I don’t know, experiences I won’t be part of, and big kid feelings such as hurt and let down and jealousy. These will be the things that will begin to shape your life and change you into the adult you will one day become. But I would like to remember you as my baby…

When you are grown, you won’t remember all the tiny details that are forever ingrained in my heart. That day you were born, I wanted to punch your dad right in his face. I was expelling a BABY from my BODY and he was more worried about missing his pharmacy clinical that day, to which he faithfully then attended the next day and left me alone in the hospital with this new creature I just met. My sisters and your cousins came to meet you and helped me navigate this new thing of motherhood. But oh, you were so difficult. You wouldn’t nurse well and cried of hunger all the time so I pumped breast milk for you until I realized you inherited more from your dad than just his blonde hair- you had his tongue tie. After that it was easier but you still cried and projectile vomited on me daily. There were so many blurs of nights and days with you that we cried together. When you were 4 months old I gave up nursing you and put you on Lactose-free formula and you were so much better. I started to like you then!

You met every milestone on time and blessed us with this goofy laugh that you still have. You very rarely were still (and still aren’t). You used to do this thing where you’d rock your head when you were tired, rubbing your head on the sheets. You would do it so hard you’d slam your head repeatedly on the crib rails and it didn’t bother you. The first time I witnessed it, I thought you were seizing. You were constantly in motion until the second you fell asleep. And then one day, when you were around three, you stopped doing it altogether. And I miss it.

You got into everything. You organized beer bottles in the fridge, played in the dog food, climbed the pantry shelves, put toys in the toilet, painted yourself at daycare and could I even forget the time you ESCAPED from daycare?! You my dear are the reason the fledgling daycare put systems in place to make sure every kid is accounted for. How many 18-month olds sneak from their classroom and use the handicapped door buttons to let themselves into the parking lot to play?! You broke your arm just before your sister was born falling off a 2 foot slide- who does that?! You have done so many other crazy things and THAT is how you broke your arm?

You entertained us singing right along to Baby Einstein videos, and you still love singing in the car, as long as no one is recording you! You are outgoing and smart, but put you on a stage and you are shy. You cried when we tried to sing you happy birthday and on stage at your preschool Christmas program.

I have a gap in photos of you because you went through a phase of hating your picture taken. But I snuck some in here and there. Somewhere in there, you have grown into a big kid from a toddler boy. Though you’ll one day kill me for this story- when you were three and finally potty trained, I caught you in the bathroom peeing on your own face. You explained later you wanted to watch the pee come out. It’s a good thing your momma is a nurse and didn’t flinch at the clean up. You have always kept me on my toes. Especially when we moved into the new house. You would hide in cabinets and nooks during the build. After we moved in, you colored every surface you could find with a marker while I put your sister to bed and I am pretty sure I cried when I saw all my new, white surfaces ‘tagged’ by you.

I am scared, as every parent is, of who you will grow up to be. I think I am doing a good job now- but you are growing up to have your own ideas and opinions. Your dad and I have worked incredibly hard so that we can enjoy the good things in life, but I hope in doing so we haven’t created spoiled, ungrateful brats. So far, you are polite and kind and I hope that is a quality you never lose. I hope you are always outgoing and the world doesn’t crush you. I hope that you keep a little bit of that shyness to keep you humble. I hope you always need me. I pray you find someone that will love you as unconditionally as I always will and you treat them with that kindness that is in your heart now.

You will always be my Baby Blake and though these years have been a blur, they have been some of the most fulfilling of my life. You’re lucky we gave you a sister, because you my dear, have been a handful!

Happy 5th Birthday my sweet boy,

Mom